Quick Update

We have been busy researching and double checking and researching some more to try to figure out who we want to sign a contract with in order to network and search for a birth mother. We also found out last week that the social worker we were going to use for our home study is no longer (well her agency) doing adoption home studies. So, we have been calling all over the area, and by area I mean places within 5 hours of us, trying to locate a worker that can do a home study for us in our location. We have had success in speaking with one, which then also led us to consider a networking agency that at one time was our third choice, but I thought I had it narrowed down to two choices. I will blog this weekend about the reasoning and such and I would love feedback from any or all of you. I also had an appointment for some blood work yesterday and found out that one of my favorite nurses had adopted through a somewhat local lawyer. So, we are also looking into that option as well. It is just hard to make that final choice, because really, how can we possibly know how any would turn out for sure? That is impossible to determine. It is scary to make that decision and "throw all of our eggs into one basket".

Miscarriages and God's Calling for Us

Hi, it's Alicia here writing tonight.  Since I have been frantically updating our blog to catch up, the posts really haven't been very personal, as far as the writing goes.  I promise, I will make the writing more "my style" in the future and you will find that I often wear my heart on my sleeve.  A lot has been on my mind lately as far as our pregnancy losses, adoption, and life in general.  October 22nd marked one year from the day we found out that we lost our last baby.  The 29th of this month marked the 2nd anniversary of our third angel's due date.  October 15th is a world-wide day of remembrance for babies gone too soon.  Needless to say, this month had many reminders of what brought us to the final decision to adopt.

The month of October is used to raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss.  I spent every day this month up until the 15th to post things on Facebook to help raise awareness about the topic.  I'm sure people thought I was depressed, but the truth was, when you suffer the loss of a baby, often the loss may be before you have told family and friends and you suffer alone.  Other times, you share your loss with friends and family and in all honesty, unless they have suffered loss, they will never completely understand how you feel.  Miscarriage is often taboo to talk about.  For years ladies were expected to just deal with it on their own.  Ladies, that is NOT healthy for you!  In my experience, being open about things also helped others open up to me.  With my first loss I received private messages from family members that suffered the same kinds of loss, but yet I never knew they had miscarried before.  Friends and people around me came to me because I had the courage to open up and speak out.  Had I not started sharing about our losses, I may have suffered through the pain of the losses alone.  Instead, I became part of a support system that helped me to deal with the losses we had suffered.  Our conversations made me feel less alone in the pain and others were able to share with me what helped them to make it through their losses.  In turn, I have learned how to help others that go through loss.  I joined our local SHARE group and met even more families and we are all able to learn from each others' experiences.    Having a support system is SO important in grieving!

After our third miscarriage we started to look more seriously into adoption.  We had a difficult time trying to figure out what was best for our future family plans.  Ever since I was little I had this "want" to adopt someday.  My ex-husband and I had looked into adoption at one point during our fertility struggles, although we had always planned to adopt since he had been adopted.  But for Steve and I, we had wanted to try to have our own biological children.  We had discussed adopting down the road if things didn't work out for us, but we knew we wanted to at least try to have a biological child.  So, after our third miscarriage we decided it was time to explore adoption more seriously.  At this point I began researching agencies, laws, adoption stories, and how in the world we would be able to afford adoption.  We also still were not sure if we wanted to stop trying to have a baby, or try further fertility treatments.  I often was bothered by "giving up" trying, as well as being mad at my body for not being able to do what it was made to do.  We went through every fertility test available to us by this point and had absolutely zero answers as to why we kept miscarrying.  Obviously, as we were researching, we continued to try to have a biological child.  We continued with fertility treatments that we not covered by our insurance, saw specialists, and continued to get no answers.  We also had two more miscarriages.  

Our last pregnancy, like the others, we found out early and started monitoring the pregnancy.  Weekly blood tests and ultrasounds were scheduled.  This time, by hcg numbers were doubling perfectly with no lagging at all.  This time, like the others, we were cautiously optimistic that things would go well.  At five weeks we saw the start of the sac and my numbers were great.  A couple of days later I started cramping and spotting.  This is normal in pregnancies to a point, but I knew better for me.  Steve and I had decided at the beginning this pregnancy that this was going to be our final try.  Each time I got pregnant Steve would begin his worrying about me and what we knew could happen.  He would begin to prepare himself for having to be supportive of me if the worst happened again.  So, when the cramping and bleeding started, I think he knew and he began preparing for the worst.  Part of me did the same, but my prayers and pleading with God became more steady.  I went in for my now six week appointment and I remember laying on the table during the ultrasound, silently begging and pleading to God to let there be a baby with a heartbeat.  The ultrasound took what seemed like hours and my thoughts were interrupted by the ultrasound tech, Ann, asking me if I saw the slow flicker on the screen.  Yes, a heartbeat!  The heartbeat was slow, but in a healthy pregnancy they start slow and speed up, so this isn't necessarily a bad sign.  I knew though that it was not great news when she kept digging around with the ultrasound wand and snapping pictures, yet staying quiet.  I have had Ann do ultrasounds on me before and she is great about pointing things out to me.  I know when techs don't say a lot, things  are questionable.  She told me we were finished and had not yet said anything about printing pictures out.  I knew at that point, things weren't great.  The doctor came in and explained that the baby was measuring great but the sac was small, most likely shrinking.  She told me that at the next week's ultrasound  it may be better but most likely the sac will have shrunk and I will have miscarried.  I asked for pictures of my baby, holding back tears.  My doctor knew about all of my losses and we have talked about how having something tangible to remember our angels is important.  She had told me before that sometimes that is the only tangible thing we have to remember our babies.  She understood.  Right away, she had Ann print me three pictures of our baby.  She also said that I should continue to pray, but be prepared that I could miscarry before our next appointment.  On October 22, 2014. we had our follow up appointment and the sac was gone from the screen.  My body was going to rid itself of what was left of the pregnancy at any time.  Strangely, although not in shock, I took it better than the nurses and my specialist.  I knew how it would end.  There was a newer nurse there that day.  She started tearing up as she told me she was sorry.  I saw the tear slip down her cheek as she walked out of the room.  Perry, the make nurse, was sorry as well.  His usual joking and wonderfully silly personality was replaced by sadness for our loss.  My wonderful doctor came in and I'm not even sure how to explain the look on her face.  She was quiet, she said she was so sorry and even more sorry that we had no answers for us.  She told me that it hurt her that she could not find a reason that this keeps happening to us.  I could tell that her heart hurt for us.  She was more visibly upset than I felt.  This is why I loved seeing this doctor.  She truly cared and she invested in us.  We miscarried that weekend.

It isn't common to have a molar pregnancy.  Our first one was a partial molar pregnancy that required an emergency D&C.  It is rare to have multiple miscarriages.  Steve and I have had five.  It is even more rare rare to see a heartbeat and then miscarry.  Four out of the five miscarriages we had were after we saw the heartbeat (we didn't have an ultrasound until later with the first miscarriage).  We have great luck with beating crappy odds.    

We saw a nationally known specialist last January.  She works under one of the founders of IVF or the first "test-tube baby" if you will.  Even she cannot make any promises for us.  Her best guess was another $3000 test and if that came back positive that would mean $400 treatments every two-three weeks from the time we try to get pregnant until 22 weeks into a pregnancy...if we made it that far.  Insurance would not cover a single penny of it until about eight weeks or more into a pregnancy...oh yeah, and they would only do it with IVF, which were aren't promised a pregnancy with on the first try.  That also, is not covered by insurance.  AND if we got pregnant, that doesn't mean we wouldn't miscarry again.  At this point, we knew God was telling us that we were on the wrong path.  There are so many babies out there that need homes.  The money we would spend (and possible get nowhere) would pay for most of an adoption.  Yes God, your plan for us is clear now.  Now I know why I have always had adoption and love for all children in my heart ever since I can remember.  

I told you I was going to get more personal.  I didn't even get to the main point of where I intended to go with this post.  This is enough for now.  Reliving the last loss took a bit out of me tonight.  Yes, I cried while writing this tonight.  Yes, I strayed from my original idea of this post.  I promise, I will post again this week about my original thought process.  I want to tell you more about my feelings on life around me and God's plan for us.  I already changed the title of tonight's post from "Do Something" to its current title.  So, I will leave you with a link to a video that I was originally going to base my blog around and then, next time I blog I promise to get back on that topic.  

Have a great night and be sure to check out the video link below and try to figure out what I might blog about next...

Do Something by Matthew West

October

We started out the month of October celebrating the memory of the five babies we lost through miscarriage.  Alicia is part of a group that meets monthly that works to support and educate others that have suffered pregnancy loss, still birth, or infant loss.  Our family participated in the SHARE memory walk and ceremony.  During this ceremony the names of our angels are read and families place flower petals in a pond in their memory.  After which, all of the families do a walk around the pond and can see the names of all of the angels and pay their respects.  This is the first year we have participated in the walk.  While this is a touching event, it is also so hard to see how many of us there are that are tied together through tragedy.  While it is sad, it is also comforting to know that others understand our loss and we all know that there is support here for all of us.  This is an event we will continue to do each year.  As a family we decided that since we aren't able to celebrate our babies' birthdays each year, we will always use this event to celebrate our love for them.

placing flower petals in memory of our angels

the SHARE walk symbol that begins our walk

The walk was marked with baby footprints around the pond.

the marker for our angels

Zach ended up having his elbow surgery this month as well.  His surgeon ended up taking bone and cartilage from his knee so that he could graft it into Zach's elbow for the repair.  He is currently doing well and receives physical therapy twice a week.  His total recovery time will be four to six months.  While Zach was in the hospital our family service project came to an end.  Our family collected (from donors, plus our own donation) donations to help supply the trick-or-treating for patients program at the University of Iowa Children's Hospital.  We used the monetary donations to buy items for the hospital to give out to patients during Halloween.  We decided to do this service project as a pay-it-forward based off of an experience Zach had years ago when he was a patient.  One year Zach was in the hospital around Christmas time and gifts were brought to the patients by Child Life at the hospital.  This was a gesture that brightened Zach's spirits when he was a patient so we thought helping supply gifts for another special event would brighten other children's spirits.  The donations were plentiful and we had over $250 worth of donations (monetary and toys/gifts) for this great cause!

Zach in good spirits before his surgery

post-surgery

physical therapy

donations to Child Life Services for patient trick-or-treating

We also did another fundraiser towards the adoption this month.  Alicia's mom was kind enough to to open a Tupperware fundraiser for us.  We were able to raise about $70 through this fundraiser.  Every little bit counts though and is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!  Alicia also continues to sell Initials, Inc. to raise money towards the adoption as well.

September

September was a crazy month for our family.  Early in September we found out that Zach would need to have elbow surgery.  We had plans to have the surgery done this month, but Zach ended up getting sick on the way to the hospital and stayed in the hospital for three days to keep him from having drastic complications due to his metabolic disorder.  While he was in the hospital Alicia stayed with him and Steve came to visit every night after work.  We spent the rest of the month keeping our family healthy and working on a service project...oh, and did I mention that our favorite football teams were back in action so Saturday's are generally filled with Hawkeye games and lots of cheering!?!

Zach feeling better and getting ready to leave the hospital

home from the hospital...typical Zach not wanting to take a good picture

watching the Hawkeyes play with my great-nephew ~ I still have the magic touch at putting babies to sleep!

Our niece loves to cheer for the Hawkeyes, too!

August was a month for growing our extended family!

During the month of August our extended family grew by two!  Alicia's niece started her own family and her nephew (and his wife) had his second baby,giving us a great-niece and a great-nephew. We also celebrated the third birthday of our youngest niece.  Here are a few photos from August, including pictures of the newest family members and one of our weekends on the river visiting Alicia's family.

Alicia and her new great niece

Steve holding our newest niece

Zach holding our new great-nephew

Alicia holding our newest family member

Zach was given his first "driving" lesson

Steve and Alicia enjoying a boat ride

Family Picture while riding on the boat

Our niece's third birthday party

Zach trying to make it over the "log run" and up onto the water trampoline

Zach with his cousins on the float

Zach and his cousins (and a friend) getting ready to ride on the tube behind the boat

Much Needed Updates

Hello Everyone!

With the beginning of the school year and my extra duties and trainings I had as a school district mentor, I was quite busy and always seemed to lose time for blogging.  Over the next few days I plan on updating all of you on things that have happened over the last few months.  Our last update was in July and we were working on setting up our Artsy Bug adoption fundraiser.  We raised almost $500 and had a lot of fun at this event!  Below are pictures from the event.

group photo at the end of the night

Alicia's painting, signed "Mommy", which will be hung in the nursery

Everyone at the fundraiser signed the back of the painting.

Daddy-to-be socializing and "supervising" the evening

The Cost of Adoption

Sometimes the most beautiful things come from scary beginnings...Last night there were severe storms in our area.  I looked out the window and the sky was an odd and almost frightening shade of orange.  The sky reminded me of a night years ago when I lived in another town and we were hit with tornadoes.  So, to me, the sky was scary, yet beautiful at the same time.  I walked to the other side of our house and there was a rainbow.  Adoption is the same way.  We know we have SO MUCH love in our hearts for adoption.  As stated before in an earlier post, the cost of adoption scares us.  We know we will have the most beautiful ending to our story, but the journey will be hard and scary.  It will be more than worth it, though.  As these thoughts were going through my head last night, we experienced our first negative comment on our adoption Facebook page, telling us to stop begging and to get jobs.  Obviously this person does not know the first thing about us.  A new way to think about the cost of adoption is like this...adoption cost is similar to the cost of having a baby on our own (if I could carry one to term), but without any insurance, and of course, no assistance from the government.  How many people could truly afford to have a baby if not a single penny of the prenatal care, delivery, hospital stay, etc. were covered by insurance?  I would say, not many could afford it.  That is how adoption is.  So, while the adoption itself is expensive, we are still fully able to afford to care for that baby when the baby comes home with us.  We have stable jobs.  We have insurance.  We have a FABULOUS support system of family and friends all around us.  And, we have God and our faith on our side.  So, while it may be scary, our journey will have a beautiful ending, just like last night's storm.

The Cost of Adoption

As I have talked to people about the adoption process, I have found out the most people I talk to don’t have any idea how expensive adoption really is.  When I say that it is expensive, people generally assume that means around the $10, 000.00 range…I WISH!  Once I tell them that our estimated adoption expenses are between $35-55,000.00 they are generally in disbelief and ask me why adoption is so expensive.  (Yes, fostering in hopes of adopting is a lot cheaper, but we have VERY valid reasons why we are not going that route and I will blog about that in the very near future.)  I will try to break down the expenses for you, to the best of my ability at the current time.

$300 – Application fee to be “pre-evaluated” for a home study

$2250-2500 – Home Study fees and preparation

$250 – Fingerprinting and background checks for all three of us for our home study

$3000 – Consultant fee; we plan to go with a consultant that networks with adoption lawyers, adoption agencies, and social services agencies all over the country.  The consultants help share our profile to birth parents that are preparing to place their child with adoptive parents.

$8000-10,000 – lawyer fees, both in our home state and in the state of our birthmother

$2000-4000 – travel fees; The consultant we will work with can match us with a mother in any of the “safe states” and if we are matched outside of our home state we will be expected to stay in that state for up to 15 days, waiting for court approval to transfer that infant from that state, back to ours.

$25,000-45,000 – Match with birthmother and remaining fees; this is where the biggest unknown falls as far as costs.  Depending on the birthmother and where she “is” (adoption agency, state social services, etc.) there will be various fees.  These fees cover the agency expenses and whatever the state allows for the birthmother.  The fees will cover all services provided by the agency during the adoption process.  These services may include obtaining medical records, transporting to and from prenatal appointments, living expenses during the pregnancy, acting as a liaison between the birthmother, our consultant, and ourselves.  Another IMPORTANT thing that these expenses cover is counseling.  We strongly feel that we only want to partner with a birthmother that is sure that adoption is the best choice for her baby.  We know God will provide us with the baby the He meant for us to have, but we also want our birthmother to feel that it is the right choice.  We would like this mother to be as comfortable as possible with the adoption process and the very tough choices she must make.  We want to be sure that she has support not only during the pregnancy, but afterwards as well.

What are we doing to help fund the adoption?

First, for those who do not know us, we are BOTH employed (see personal biographies).  Alicia has picked up and extra position within her school district and will be teaching summer school, specifically to set money aside for the adoption.  Steve has also been applying for positions within the school district with higher pay in hopes to further fund our adoption.  We have also begun to sell things around our house that we don’t need or no longer use.  All of this money goes straight into the adoption saving account.  Alicia is also in direct sales with Initials, Inc..  All of the commission that Alicia earns is put into the adoption savings account. 

As far as fundraising, first we have set up a GoFundMe webpage for people to make donations as they are comfortable.  Next, we held a garage sale during our local city-wide garage sale day.  We made over $300 with that event.  We were very lucky; as we had several friends donate items for the garage sale.  We do plan to have another sale in the near future.  Currently we have a painting night fundraiser in the works.  People are registering for the next week or so and the event will be held in mid-July.  I have found that people REALLY like getting something for their money/donation so we are looking into more fundraisers along those lines.  So, as you can see, while we are accepting donations and doing fundraisers, we are also sacrificing any time and items we have to build up our adoption savings fund without any more help than necessary.  If you have any other ideas for us, we will always welcome helpful suggestions.

The painting we will be doing for the Artsy Bug fundraiser on July 14th.

Many thanks!!!

First, we have had various donors since I last posted in May.  Thank you Jon, Shelley, Stephanie, and Travis for your donations through our GoFundMe account.  Scott, your personal donation was very thoughtful and appreciated. Thank you to our friends who donated items for our garage sale.  Each one of you helped us out in such a personal way.  Mom and Dad G, thank you for supporting us, both with donations and emotionally along the way.  Alicia's dad made us take the money we were going to buy his Father's Day lunch with and put it into the adoption account instead.  Thank you Dad!  We know how much you both love being grandparents!!!  

We are doing an Artsy Bug painting fundraiser in July.  For more details, please comment below with your email address and I can send you the information if you are interested.  For more information on fundraisers and how we are helping ourselves save money towards the adoption, please see the post about funding our adoption, or the page titled Adoption Cost and Fundraising.

Thank you all!

Our First Donation!

Thank you Scott S. for our very first donation towards bringing home Baby F.!  We are so blessed to have you with us on our journey.

Just the Beginning

We are currently preparing for our home study.  We recently inquired about housing standards for the home study and were a bit surprised that the housing licensing standards for foster care and/or adoption is 47 pages long.  There really weren't any surprises for us as far as what is in the packet, except that maybe Alicia thought there would be more requirements than there really are.

With the home study we will have to meet multiple requirements such as home visits/inspections, training on parenting and adopting, physicals, fingerprinting for different background checks, and personal references/letters of support.  The most worrisome part of all of this is having to wait for the fingerprints/record checks to come back.  This used to take around a month but apparently our state is now running with a wait time of over three months.  Since this is the same check that is done for foster families, this is even more disappointing.  You would think that with the lack of quality foster homes that they would be able to speed up this process.  

The home study is the very important first step in the adoption process.  The cost will be between $2500-3000.00 to complete the home study.  Once the home study is complete we will be able to sign contracts with an adoption consultant who will help facilitate our search for Baby F.  We have it narrowed down to two consultant agencies, but are strongly leaning toward one of them, which networks with all of the "safe states" for adoption.  Also, once our home study is complete then we can apply for grants to help fund our adoption.

Okay, is this enough information to swallow for today?  We truly hope you are as excited about our adoption process as we are.  Please, continue to share our story, and click around on the blog, as Alicia added new pages to help organize things a bit.

Announcing Our Most Amazing Journey......

For those of you who know Steve and I, you know that during the first two and a half years of our marriage, we experienced five miscarriages. Each loss was devastating, yet helped us grow as a couple. We learned in depth how each of us handles loss, and how to help each other during the grieving process and healing. For almost two years now we have been weighing our options about how we would continue to build our family. We have weighed the options between possible fertility treatments, adoption, or just remaining a family of three. With a lot of thought, conversations, and prayer, we have come to the decision to add to our family through domestic infant adoption. One of the obstacles that held us back from adopting earlier is the high cost of adoption. It is not that we cannot afford to raise a second child, rather that the upfront cost of adopting a child is huge. We didn't want to go so far into debt for those costs that we couldn't afford to send Zach to college in five years, nor be too far into debt when the baby is adopted and having to add on the regular costs of raising a baby. We have researched and researched adoption and continue to pray for guidance as to what God's plan is for us. I know in my heart that God would not be filling my heart with so much love and ache for a child if that was not in His plan for us. At our jobs, we see students every day that need love and support, and feel that maybe that is another nudge God may be giving us to remind us that all children deserve love and support, no matter how the child comes into our lives. We have also heard repeatedly that we should not let finances stand in our way, because every adopted child is worth it, and that God will also help in that area as well. Do you know how hard that was for me to swallow? That God could truly help with something as tangible as money? But God DOES work through others, in his time, and often when we least expect it. So, here we are, taking this giant leap of faith. We are doing multiple things to help us fund as much as this adoption as we can without help, but we know that help will be needed. I will post details on that later. The first thing that we need from everyone is prayers and support. We would love for everyone to share this facebook page, as well as the blog we started. We will post information and updates about our adoption journey as the process happens. We will share what we are doing to fund our adoption, as well as the realities of what it is like to adopt. We will also share with you why adoption is expensive and where all of the money actually goes.

Steve and I are asking for you to help us by being our biggest advocates during this journey. We will need your love, support, and many prayers during the adoption process. We ask that you please stand behind us throughout our journey and respect our decision to adopt. We want you to be part of our adoption team, because we know that our decision to adopt means that we will be bringing a child into all of your lives, not just ours.

So, how can you start helping us out? First, please add us into your prayers often. We know that adoption isn't an easy journey. Also, please share our adoption Facebook page and our blog with others. We are in the beginning stages of the adoption process and who knows, maybe you or someone you know, or a friend of a friend knows a pregnant mother that is considering adoption for her child. IF you have ideas for us or suggestions, please let us know. There are so many ways that you can help us, even some that may surprise you.

Thank you so much!

Alicia