8-31-16 Update

FB Post from August 31, 2016

STILL number two on the waiting list. That means two more placements need to take place before we can begin our home study and actually be presented to expectant mothers. We have been in the same place "in line" since March. WAITING IS SO HARD! I'm so torn about how to feel about this situation. It is great that there are less babies being born whose mothers feel their best option is adoption, but at the same time ht makes me sad that our wait continues. I KNOW, God has a plan for us. I trust in that, I really do, but I guess I need to pray for a bit more patience during this wait. We were put on the waiting list in December. In eight months we have moved up two spots. So potentially, we may wait eight more months before we are even able to be presented. Being presented, does not give you any order of being chosen, it just lets you be one of the 15 hopefully adoptive families waiting to be chosen. If you aren't the first one chosen, a new hopeful family is thrown into the mix, always keeping that number at 15. Now, do you understand a little more about why this makes me feel like our dream is "forever" away from us? We can go with a larger agency, that isn't local, but most often, the cost goes up even more with those agencies. Now, if we find an expectant mother on our own and are able to set up a private adoption, the cost goes down and we can get our home study done right away (well, in the three months it is taking our state to get things finished). So, if you know someone considering adoption, please share our story with them.
On a lighter and much more exciting note, my dear friend Cara just held a Younique fundraiser for me. We didn't do as well as I hoped we would, but I was busy with back-to-school craziness so I don't think I put in as much effort as I should have (sorry Cara). But, do you want to know how sweet my dear Cara is? She not only donated all of her commission to our adoption, but she is matching that amount with her personal funds and donating it to us. CARA, YOU ARE AN ANGEL!!! So, if you ever need some Younique products, my friend Cara is your girl and I would be extremely happy to give you her contact info.
Last couple of thoughts for the evening:
-We have been busy caring for my father-in-law since January, so I know the updates have been slow. Since we really haven't moved much on the wait list, there wasn't a ton to tell, so we made him a priority over blogging. He is in good hands right now, so hopefully blogging will become more consistent.
-My last update included some transparency and shared exciting news about our new home...I'm hoping to put up some pictures in the future, but checking into what is truly safe to put online during this process.
Have a great night!
Alicia

Transparency

Originally Posted on our FB page on June 24th, 2016

A Little Transparency:
For YEARS I have been "throwing away" money on rent. Don't get me wrong, it is something I had to do. I had to keep a roof over my head, not just for me, but for my son. A little background information: when my son turned two my ex-husband moved out and I spent ten years being a single mom. A single mom with a child and for many of those years, a minimum wage job. On one income I had $65000+ in student loans, a car payment to get me to and from work, rent on my own and all utilities to pay with just my income. It seemed I always made just enough that I didn't qualify for help, yet had a very, very hard time paying all of my bills with money to spare. Not to mention, previous debt from my marriage and a child with special medical needs that involved expensive medicine. Needless to say, my credit went to crap. Since meeting Steve, I have worked REALLY hard at rebuilding my credit. My lack of credit is why I can't just "charge" the costs of the adoption and why I didn't own a house (which is also why we couldn't refinance our home to pay for our adoption). AND that is why Steve and I have been renting. I am in a much better financial place now, have been teaching at my current position for four full years (much better pay) and have completely rebuilt my credit. So, no more throwing away money on rent. We bought a house in May, pay a mortgage very comparable to what our rent was, and are now able to build equity in case something would happen in the future and we would have to borrow against it. Now, I was very reluctant to post this information since many people are quick to judge when people trying to save and raise money to adopt make purchases such as houses and cars. That is why I want to make it clear though that our mortgage is right in line with what we were paying in rent and never would have gotten any return on it in the future.
The timing is perfect though, considering we are still on the wait list to start our home study and be able to be "shown" to prospective birth mothers. If we had bought a house after that process started, then it would have cost up to $500 just to update the home study since a caseworker needs to come out to the house, look at everything, and update all of the paperwork. We closed on the house at the end of May and once school was out Steve and I started working on updating things in the house and painting almost every room in the house. By the way, this house gives us more room to bring a little one (or two if we get matched with twins) home. We will officially begin moving our things in next week!
This waiting to get our case started is HARD! I will fill you in on those details in my next post, but that is part of why I haven't posted much. There just isn't a lot of new news and it is frustrating for us. We are continuing to save and build our adoption fund.
More to come....
Alicia

Quick Update

We have been busy researching and double checking and researching some more to try to figure out who we want to sign a contract with in order to network and search for a birth mother. We also found out last week that the social worker we were going to use for our home study is no longer (well her agency) doing adoption home studies. So, we have been calling all over the area, and by area I mean places within 5 hours of us, trying to locate a worker that can do a home study for us in our location. We have had success in speaking with one, which then also led us to consider a networking agency that at one time was our third choice, but I thought I had it narrowed down to two choices. I will blog this weekend about the reasoning and such and I would love feedback from any or all of you. I also had an appointment for some blood work yesterday and found out that one of my favorite nurses had adopted through a somewhat local lawyer. So, we are also looking into that option as well. It is just hard to make that final choice, because really, how can we possibly know how any would turn out for sure? That is impossible to determine. It is scary to make that decision and "throw all of our eggs into one basket".

Miscarriages and God's Calling for Us

Hi, it's Alicia here writing tonight.  Since I have been frantically updating our blog to catch up, the posts really haven't been very personal, as far as the writing goes.  I promise, I will make the writing more "my style" in the future and you will find that I often wear my heart on my sleeve.  A lot has been on my mind lately as far as our pregnancy losses, adoption, and life in general.  October 22nd marked one year from the day we found out that we lost our last baby.  The 29th of this month marked the 2nd anniversary of our third angel's due date.  October 15th is a world-wide day of remembrance for babies gone too soon.  Needless to say, this month had many reminders of what brought us to the final decision to adopt.

The month of October is used to raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss.  I spent every day this month up until the 15th to post things on Facebook to help raise awareness about the topic.  I'm sure people thought I was depressed, but the truth was, when you suffer the loss of a baby, often the loss may be before you have told family and friends and you suffer alone.  Other times, you share your loss with friends and family and in all honesty, unless they have suffered loss, they will never completely understand how you feel.  Miscarriage is often taboo to talk about.  For years ladies were expected to just deal with it on their own.  Ladies, that is NOT healthy for you!  In my experience, being open about things also helped others open up to me.  With my first loss I received private messages from family members that suffered the same kinds of loss, but yet I never knew they had miscarried before.  Friends and people around me came to me because I had the courage to open up and speak out.  Had I not started sharing about our losses, I may have suffered through the pain of the losses alone.  Instead, I became part of a support system that helped me to deal with the losses we had suffered.  Our conversations made me feel less alone in the pain and others were able to share with me what helped them to make it through their losses.  In turn, I have learned how to help others that go through loss.  I joined our local SHARE group and met even more families and we are all able to learn from each others' experiences.    Having a support system is SO important in grieving!

After our third miscarriage we started to look more seriously into adoption.  We had a difficult time trying to figure out what was best for our future family plans.  Ever since I was little I had this "want" to adopt someday.  My ex-husband and I had looked into adoption at one point during our fertility struggles, although we had always planned to adopt since he had been adopted.  But for Steve and I, we had wanted to try to have our own biological children.  We had discussed adopting down the road if things didn't work out for us, but we knew we wanted to at least try to have a biological child.  So, after our third miscarriage we decided it was time to explore adoption more seriously.  At this point I began researching agencies, laws, adoption stories, and how in the world we would be able to afford adoption.  We also still were not sure if we wanted to stop trying to have a baby, or try further fertility treatments.  I often was bothered by "giving up" trying, as well as being mad at my body for not being able to do what it was made to do.  We went through every fertility test available to us by this point and had absolutely zero answers as to why we kept miscarrying.  Obviously, as we were researching, we continued to try to have a biological child.  We continued with fertility treatments that we not covered by our insurance, saw specialists, and continued to get no answers.  We also had two more miscarriages.  

Our last pregnancy, like the others, we found out early and started monitoring the pregnancy.  Weekly blood tests and ultrasounds were scheduled.  This time, by hcg numbers were doubling perfectly with no lagging at all.  This time, like the others, we were cautiously optimistic that things would go well.  At five weeks we saw the start of the sac and my numbers were great.  A couple of days later I started cramping and spotting.  This is normal in pregnancies to a point, but I knew better for me.  Steve and I had decided at the beginning this pregnancy that this was going to be our final try.  Each time I got pregnant Steve would begin his worrying about me and what we knew could happen.  He would begin to prepare himself for having to be supportive of me if the worst happened again.  So, when the cramping and bleeding started, I think he knew and he began preparing for the worst.  Part of me did the same, but my prayers and pleading with God became more steady.  I went in for my now six week appointment and I remember laying on the table during the ultrasound, silently begging and pleading to God to let there be a baby with a heartbeat.  The ultrasound took what seemed like hours and my thoughts were interrupted by the ultrasound tech, Ann, asking me if I saw the slow flicker on the screen.  Yes, a heartbeat!  The heartbeat was slow, but in a healthy pregnancy they start slow and speed up, so this isn't necessarily a bad sign.  I knew though that it was not great news when she kept digging around with the ultrasound wand and snapping pictures, yet staying quiet.  I have had Ann do ultrasounds on me before and she is great about pointing things out to me.  I know when techs don't say a lot, things  are questionable.  She told me we were finished and had not yet said anything about printing pictures out.  I knew at that point, things weren't great.  The doctor came in and explained that the baby was measuring great but the sac was small, most likely shrinking.  She told me that at the next week's ultrasound  it may be better but most likely the sac will have shrunk and I will have miscarried.  I asked for pictures of my baby, holding back tears.  My doctor knew about all of my losses and we have talked about how having something tangible to remember our angels is important.  She had told me before that sometimes that is the only tangible thing we have to remember our babies.  She understood.  Right away, she had Ann print me three pictures of our baby.  She also said that I should continue to pray, but be prepared that I could miscarry before our next appointment.  On October 22, 2014. we had our follow up appointment and the sac was gone from the screen.  My body was going to rid itself of what was left of the pregnancy at any time.  Strangely, although not in shock, I took it better than the nurses and my specialist.  I knew how it would end.  There was a newer nurse there that day.  She started tearing up as she told me she was sorry.  I saw the tear slip down her cheek as she walked out of the room.  Perry, the make nurse, was sorry as well.  His usual joking and wonderfully silly personality was replaced by sadness for our loss.  My wonderful doctor came in and I'm not even sure how to explain the look on her face.  She was quiet, she said she was so sorry and even more sorry that we had no answers for us.  She told me that it hurt her that she could not find a reason that this keeps happening to us.  I could tell that her heart hurt for us.  She was more visibly upset than I felt.  This is why I loved seeing this doctor.  She truly cared and she invested in us.  We miscarried that weekend.

It isn't common to have a molar pregnancy.  Our first one was a partial molar pregnancy that required an emergency D&C.  It is rare to have multiple miscarriages.  Steve and I have had five.  It is even more rare rare to see a heartbeat and then miscarry.  Four out of the five miscarriages we had were after we saw the heartbeat (we didn't have an ultrasound until later with the first miscarriage).  We have great luck with beating crappy odds.    

We saw a nationally known specialist last January.  She works under one of the founders of IVF or the first "test-tube baby" if you will.  Even she cannot make any promises for us.  Her best guess was another $3000 test and if that came back positive that would mean $400 treatments every two-three weeks from the time we try to get pregnant until 22 weeks into a pregnancy...if we made it that far.  Insurance would not cover a single penny of it until about eight weeks or more into a pregnancy...oh yeah, and they would only do it with IVF, which were aren't promised a pregnancy with on the first try.  That also, is not covered by insurance.  AND if we got pregnant, that doesn't mean we wouldn't miscarry again.  At this point, we knew God was telling us that we were on the wrong path.  There are so many babies out there that need homes.  The money we would spend (and possible get nowhere) would pay for most of an adoption.  Yes God, your plan for us is clear now.  Now I know why I have always had adoption and love for all children in my heart ever since I can remember.  

I told you I was going to get more personal.  I didn't even get to the main point of where I intended to go with this post.  This is enough for now.  Reliving the last loss took a bit out of me tonight.  Yes, I cried while writing this tonight.  Yes, I strayed from my original idea of this post.  I promise, I will post again this week about my original thought process.  I want to tell you more about my feelings on life around me and God's plan for us.  I already changed the title of tonight's post from "Do Something" to its current title.  So, I will leave you with a link to a video that I was originally going to base my blog around and then, next time I blog I promise to get back on that topic.  

Have a great night and be sure to check out the video link below and try to figure out what I might blog about next...

Do Something by Matthew West

October

We started out the month of October celebrating the memory of the five babies we lost through miscarriage.  Alicia is part of a group that meets monthly that works to support and educate others that have suffered pregnancy loss, still birth, or infant loss.  Our family participated in the SHARE memory walk and ceremony.  During this ceremony the names of our angels are read and families place flower petals in a pond in their memory.  After which, all of the families do a walk around the pond and can see the names of all of the angels and pay their respects.  This is the first year we have participated in the walk.  While this is a touching event, it is also so hard to see how many of us there are that are tied together through tragedy.  While it is sad, it is also comforting to know that others understand our loss and we all know that there is support here for all of us.  This is an event we will continue to do each year.  As a family we decided that since we aren't able to celebrate our babies' birthdays each year, we will always use this event to celebrate our love for them.

placing flower petals in memory of our angels

the SHARE walk symbol that begins our walk

The walk was marked with baby footprints around the pond.

the marker for our angels

Zach ended up having his elbow surgery this month as well.  His surgeon ended up taking bone and cartilage from his knee so that he could graft it into Zach's elbow for the repair.  He is currently doing well and receives physical therapy twice a week.  His total recovery time will be four to six months.  While Zach was in the hospital our family service project came to an end.  Our family collected (from donors, plus our own donation) donations to help supply the trick-or-treating for patients program at the University of Iowa Children's Hospital.  We used the monetary donations to buy items for the hospital to give out to patients during Halloween.  We decided to do this service project as a pay-it-forward based off of an experience Zach had years ago when he was a patient.  One year Zach was in the hospital around Christmas time and gifts were brought to the patients by Child Life at the hospital.  This was a gesture that brightened Zach's spirits when he was a patient so we thought helping supply gifts for another special event would brighten other children's spirits.  The donations were plentiful and we had over $250 worth of donations (monetary and toys/gifts) for this great cause!

Zach in good spirits before his surgery

post-surgery

physical therapy

donations to Child Life Services for patient trick-or-treating

We also did another fundraiser towards the adoption this month.  Alicia's mom was kind enough to to open a Tupperware fundraiser for us.  We were able to raise about $70 through this fundraiser.  Every little bit counts though and is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!  Alicia also continues to sell Initials, Inc. to raise money towards the adoption as well.

September

September was a crazy month for our family.  Early in September we found out that Zach would need to have elbow surgery.  We had plans to have the surgery done this month, but Zach ended up getting sick on the way to the hospital and stayed in the hospital for three days to keep him from having drastic complications due to his metabolic disorder.  While he was in the hospital Alicia stayed with him and Steve came to visit every night after work.  We spent the rest of the month keeping our family healthy and working on a service project...oh, and did I mention that our favorite football teams were back in action so Saturday's are generally filled with Hawkeye games and lots of cheering!?!

Zach feeling better and getting ready to leave the hospital

home from the hospital...typical Zach not wanting to take a good picture

watching the Hawkeyes play with my great-nephew ~ I still have the magic touch at putting babies to sleep!

Our niece loves to cheer for the Hawkeyes, too!

August was a month for growing our extended family!

During the month of August our extended family grew by two!  Alicia's niece started her own family and her nephew (and his wife) had his second baby,giving us a great-niece and a great-nephew. We also celebrated the third birthday of our youngest niece.  Here are a few photos from August, including pictures of the newest family members and one of our weekends on the river visiting Alicia's family.

Alicia and her new great niece

Steve holding our newest niece

Zach holding our new great-nephew

Alicia holding our newest family member

Zach was given his first "driving" lesson

Steve and Alicia enjoying a boat ride

Family Picture while riding on the boat

Our niece's third birthday party

Zach trying to make it over the "log run" and up onto the water trampoline

Zach with his cousins on the float

Zach and his cousins (and a friend) getting ready to ride on the tube behind the boat